From: Susan Smith
Sent: Thursday, August 08, 2019 3:34 PM
To:
Sent: Thursday, August 08, 2019 3:34 PM
To:
Dearest,
I’ve been gone from work for 8.5 weeks now and I really, really want to
return. I miss working so much. The question remains though
as to when I will be ready and the answer is still the same. “I don’t
know.” I would not be able to do the job yet as I am still struggling
with this Bell’s Palsy. It seems I got/have a really bad case of it.
I am now very medicated taking many pills a day of different medicines.
I want to thank you both for being a journal of sorts for me with
this experience. It just came to be that this Bell’s Palsy is a sever and
long case, so my weekly updates are now many and I’m grateful you two
involuntarily have been the recipients of my emails.
This past week has been very up and down with two bad days on Sunday and
Tuesday. I had so much pain on Tuesday I did not get out of bed except to
go to my general doctor for the 4th time. My back left skull,
left ear and left neck still hurt and they were killing me on Tuesday.
The doctor said my left ear looks normal and that he does not know why I have
so much pain and why the pain is lasting so long. That was hard to hear
as he’s the 4th health care professional who has told me that Bell’s
Palsy normally does not cause so much pain nor for so long, so that leaves me
wondering if I have something else going on and that’s scary, confusing and
frustrating. He did more bloodwork and is testing me for a long list of
random things, so I’m waiting on those results. He told me to increase
the Gabapenton, the pain medication, sigh. He recommended I got to
an ENT dr, but the dr he recommended I go see is out-of-network and we have 0
out-of-network benefits.
Then, the orthopedist I saw 2 weeks ago recommended the MRI of my neck
and my insurance has denied it 2 times, so I’m waiting for the dr to do a
peer-to-peer review.
Mary from our team came over on Sunday night for a quick visit with
two meals that included salads & desserts, so that was amazingly
delicious. That was so nice and generous of her.
People would not know I have Bell’s Palsy just by looking at me now
because I have almost normal facial movement. My left eye is still not
normal, but I can now smile and show my teeth.
I’m trying to process the trauma of the day I “got” Bell’s Palsy.
The left ear pain, feeling the spasm behind my left ear while
driving, my left face going numb and becoming paralyzed, Jimmy driving an hour
in the mountains to an ER at a small hospital, getting a diagnosis of an
illness I’ve never heard of and all that has happened since… has all been very
hard.
Dare to Lead by Brene is a great book and I’m
enjoying her authenticity. I’m coming to understand vulnerability and
like her definition of when we put ourselves out there not knowing what will
happen. Gosh, that’s how I feel with these emails to you guys.
I just read the part about curiosity and thought so much of our Discover Calls.
I recently read the part when she got a concussion and related immensely
as she described how hard it was to be forced to take a break from work for
some self-care due to a medical thing that’s out of our control. In the
empathy section, she describes emotional literacy as being able to name 30 emotions
that a person feels and I was able to name 12. I really like the section
about confidence and related her explanation of practicing foundational skills
in order to become an expert to be spot on for my job as an EC.
Monday is my 38th birthday and Fall B. My boys start
school next Friday the 16th. It’s an important week and I am
hoping with all my might that I have a good week so I can return to work soon.
I repeat, I want to return to work so much. I am so eager to attend
the Stand-Ups again because those informal times together are so professionally
intimate that many positive emotions result.
Thank you for being colleagues who I can trust
with these reflection emails and I sure hope to see you both… soon.
Chao,
Susan
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